my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
