so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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