all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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