Moan for me like Helen Keller
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You ruined the universe
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
