apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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