oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
