I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
its not stalking. its research.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
