Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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