omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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