I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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