It's like a parade of train wrecks.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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