I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
