I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
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