Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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