You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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