I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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