Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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