I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
