quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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