I just cut my nipple shaving
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
