how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
