we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
