His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize