I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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