The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
