i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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