the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Randomize
