you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
