oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
