At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
