How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
