listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
