Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She announced her abortion via fbk
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
