I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
