Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
