U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
don't judge my taste in strippers
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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