Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
