So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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