My boss' voice literally gives me gas
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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