Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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