3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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