I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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