Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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