U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
