those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
