I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
sarcasm needs its own font
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
