I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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