NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Randomize
