i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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