the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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