im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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