I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
