Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
