I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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