Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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