i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
