i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
