tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
