Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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